XXXVI. What Qualifies as Hypocritical?

I see you.

I see you inhaling your entire being inside of you; so that the built up pressure of air that was internalized causes your eyes to bulge and dilate.

This is what you were going for.

You want your pupils to be dilated, creating a pseudo-concern, a concern to stall - to keep avoiding me for as long as you can before you pass out from lack of air.

Your brain, concerned with the self-inflicted lack of oxygen, causes your pupils to be directed so that your line of sight is straight in front of you…

…defying the concept of periphery…

… and denying the fact that someone you have known, to the extent that is just shy of friendship but cumulatively much more than an acquaintanceship, is not there.

I am not there.

But she is there.

I am there, I was right in front of you and you will forever be irrelevant to anyone else who you play this little game with - forever to blame for making life more complicated than it should be.

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I understand that one can be oblivious to someone they should acknowledge by means of greeting or at least making eye contact and shaping one’s mouth into a slightly upturned vestige of a smile.

There are many a time when I may not see someone until the very moment that our profiles are almost exactly parallel to each other - that is to say, the moment before we pass each other.

Sure such last-minute eye contact will result in an awkward turning of the head over the shoulder and a scream-like “hi, how are you” from both persons. Both will continue to walk, most likely in opposite directions, and both parties will not expect an audible answer akin to, “I’m fine”, from the other…

…but, it’s a mutual awkward obligation that also satisfies the primordial human need for non-combative human contact.

I also understand those times when you consciously try to avoid someone.

More times than not, I have avoided people; I was aware of their presence nearing my own self.

Sorry, but I was not in the mood to communicate.

Hypocritical much?

No -

I’m not in any mood to communicate a blatant lie about not feeling as I truly feel - whether that be upset, helpless, homesick, unsure, contemplative, or more positively- giddy and/or dreamy.

I do not wish to communicate with you in a way that would cause you to believe that I am reacting to your being, when in fact, I am predisposed to the circumstances that were-

prior to me coming into contact with you…

… but I don’t blatantly, in front of your face, under your gaze, or in your periphery, ignore you.

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I dislike socializing and small talk, but I also do not wish to make life more complicated by creating an awkwardness.

In this situation, you would probably indulge in the idea of taking the initiative to adhere to what is accepted as correct social propriety, and so you acknowledge him/her - that irrelevant person who you really could care less about-

You give him a simple nodding of the head, a semi- smile, or a blink that successfully satisfies their need to be noticed -

In their defense, to be noticed is a universal human need that has to be satisfied. (The degree to which it must be satisfied is what differs from person - to - person.)

So you acknowledge that person who is someone you neither love nor is in anyway related to you = he/she is irrelevant.

All the while this irrelevant person, with the dilated eyes, is exerting energy into firing brain-derived synaptic signals for the sole purpose of deciding how to deal with you -

You - that unwelcome an/or unexpected passerby-er.

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That person who had held his/her breath - you know who you are.

Yes, I am talking about people like you, (maybe like myself too but since I am aware of the likes of you I no longer find mysef in your company), and maybe you thought I wouldn’t.

Don’t feel special though- you’re irrelevant.

Yes, I allowed my red, streak-strewn face TO take the initiative to acknowledge you.

In all honesty, it was a mistake.

I will NOT acknowledge anyone anymore. Why?

Because I am a disciple and follower only of One.

And so, I willed myself, successfully until yesterday, not to acknowledge your presence, much how you did when you held your breath and pretended not have a peripheral vision.

Maybe you should get some help for that carpal tunnel problem you have -

Was I ‘hypocritical much’ for willing myself to not acknowledge you as you had not acknowledged me?

Yes -

- and yet I did acknowledge you.

It was a reflex for me to look up, make eye contact, and acknowledge the likes of irrelevant people like yourself.

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How telling such a reflex is, the reflex to wave…

  ….such that even my hypocrisy has abandoned itself -